My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote,
a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring
suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail
distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware
and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr.
Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business
income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the
actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title
15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection
(a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"),
through that company's mail-order department, certain products
which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture
or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr.
Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession
of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr.
Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living
in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and
thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant
via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote
was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey.
Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its
wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance,
activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars,
the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty
feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward
with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck
and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing
over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet
trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing
veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed
steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking
system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket
Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of
a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote
as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required
a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace,
and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged
to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant
as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he
attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in
an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the
Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without
caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this
case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision
for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote
lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on,
and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave
a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of
Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the
Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the
Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition,
entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say
that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr.
Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example:
At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed
around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at
the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some
few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough
was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the
type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to
the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying
the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top
of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached,
and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the
fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
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In addition to reducing all Mr.
Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation
of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements
to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem,
causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the
eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of
a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's
Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical
laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara
for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for
this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised
by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile
strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this
product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial
moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.
Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was
known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal
sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding
firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's
prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting,
the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs
at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and
proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr.
Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung
suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr.
Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the
full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower
extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,
whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and
collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly
ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling
and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each
bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the
boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into
contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage
to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement
of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and
compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition
of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal
folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues - a rare and painful condition
which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward
alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike
wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature
of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly
of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work.
It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage
to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products
as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils,
and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to
mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic
source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such
a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the
consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over
again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these
larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the
amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote
seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost
from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general
damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will
censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors,
and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm
the right of the individual predator to equal protection under
the law.
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